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The Japanese government should encourage more immigration.
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Problems such as lack of diversity, Japanese companies retreating from the world market, and aging population with a declining birthrate can be solved by increasing immigration.
→ The problems such as a lack of diversity, uniformed(画一化した) Japanese companies retreating from the global market, and aging population with a declining birthrate can be solved by increasing immigration.
Japan(S1), although it is one of the advanced countries, there is(V2) a lack(S2) of diversity.
→ Although it is one of the advanced countries, Japan(S) lacks(V) social diversity(O).
Except of big cities like Tokyo, there are only few foreigners.
→ Except for big cities like Tokyo, we don’t see many foreigners elsewhere.
I think this is a setback to Japan because while other countries are stepping forward by changing its own system, Japan is refusing to make a change to its old style, and I believe this is because Japan doesn’t have abundant perspectives as foreign countries do.
→ I think this is a setback to Japan because while other countries are stepping forward by changing their own systems, Japan is refusing to make any changes to its old style(s). I believe this is because Japan doesn’t have as abundant perspectives as foreign countries do.
By encouraging more immigration they can provide many different views and stimulate Japanese people.
→ By encouraging more immigrants to Japan they(＝immigrants) can provide many different views and stimulate Japanese people.
Japanese companies are retreating from the world market.
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Many companies in Japan are producing overengineered expensive products that only targets Japanese customers and it is losing power in other countries.
→ Many companies in Japan are producing overengineered expensive products that only target Japanese customers and they are losing competitive power in other countries.
If Japan accepts more immigrants Japanese companies will be able to get a detailed image of what does other countries require to their product and stay in the world market.
→ If Japan accepts more immigrants, Japanese companies will be able to get more detailed images of what other countries want for their products and stay in the world market.
Aging population and a declining birthrate is a huge problem in Japan right now.
→ Aging population and a declining birthrate are huge problems in Japan right now.
Because of it, companies are losing workers and young people will have to suffer with a lot of taxes in the future.
→ Because of that, Japanese companies are losing their workers and young people will have to suffer with a lot of taxes in the future.
Encouraging more immigration can increase population and solve these problems.
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By encouraging more immigrations, many problems Japan is facing can be solved.
→ By encouraging more immigration, many problems Japan is facing can be solved.
全体として、このエッセイには明確な序論、本文、結論があり、バランスよく作られていると感じます。
しかし、いくつかの文法的な誤りがあり、より明瞭で流暢な文章にするためには、若干の修正が必要です。
また、本文で述べられている理由をもっと詳しく説明して証拠で裏付けると、更に良くなると思います。
下記のエッセイは、以上の点を考慮に入れて作られたものの一例です。参考にして下さい。
The Japanese government should encourage more immigration to address several issues the country is currently facing. This essay will discuss three reasons why increasing immigration can be beneficial for Japan.
Firstly, Japan lacks diversity, particularly outside of major cities like Tokyo. This hinders Japan's ability to keep up with the changing world. By accepting more immigrants, the country can gain access to a wide range of perspectives, ideas and cultures. This will lead to an increase in creativity, innovation and cultural exchange.
Secondly, Japanese companies are losing their global competitiveness. One of the reasons for this is that they tend to produce products and services that cater only to Japanese customers. By attracting more immigrants, Japanese companies can obtain valuable insights into the needs and preferences of other countries. This will enable them to produce more competitive products that appeal to foreign customers.
Finally, Japan is facing an aging population and declining birthrate, which is placing a heavy burden on the economy. Encouraging more immigration can help alleviate these issues by boosting the population and the workforce. This will stimulate economic growth, increase tax revenues, and reduce the pressure on social security systems.
In conclusion, the Japanese government should consider encouraging more immigration to solve various issues, including a lack of diversity, decline in global competitiveness, and an aging population with a declining birthrate. By doing so, Japan can become a more vibrant, inclusive and prosperous society. (239 words)
ご丁寧にありがとうございます…！参考にさせていただきます！