Question

nagi

英検準一級ライティング問題です。

添削お願いします。

字数稼ぎのコツも教えてくださるとうれしいです！

よろしくお願いします。

・20年度第2回
Topic
Agree or disagree : More needs to be done to
so
98
Point
• Accident
116
agree
Reason I
Crime
Food
技術が発達する。
No.
•Technology
Date
120~150語
be done to improve public safety
2014 125 130 ho
警察官のパトロールや出動によって被害を少なくすることが
できる。もしなかったら、たくさんの事件が起こってしょう。
Iona (= 1 7 11 3 11 312/5797 07130
薬の研究は私たちの寿命をのばすことにつながる
I agree with more needs
to be done To
To improve public safety.
There are two points to support my opinion.
First, there will be less crime, because, police of patrol and they
go to the place which happen incidents. I can be less. It it were not
for public safety, it would causes crime.
Second, technology is improving, Reserchers are able to study a lot
by support from our government. For example, medicine's research is
Connect to extend our life time and automation's study is easy to
our life. So, improving public safely is more convinience than fall
into one,
I
According to the reasons stated above, I think that more
needs to be done to improve public safety, And, it become
improve public safety is cunvinience

Answer 1

✨ ベストアンサー ✨

ひす

文書の構成がintroduction, body, conclusionに分かれている点はとてもいいです！

ただ、少し問題文を勘違いされているかと思います。
問題文は、「Public Safetyを向上させるためにもっと多くのことができる」なので、現状のPublic Safetyを向上させるためのアイデアが求められていると思います。

以下は私が書いてみたものです。
Although crime rate in Japan is way lower compared to many other countries, I agree that we have many ways to improve public safety more. Two reasons focused on technology are stated below.
Firstly, there is a significant needs for extensive deployment of CCTV cameras. Currently, many trains in Japan does not have CCTV surveillance. Installing more CCTVs could be a help for reducing criminals on train such as train groping.
Secondly, advancements in automotives are crucial. In Japan, sometimes people confuse accelerator with the brake and cause car accident. Moreover, sometimes elderly people mistakingly enter a wrong direction on highway, which may cause severe car accidents. Therefore, error-prevention system is needed to reduce the number of car accidents.
For these reasons, there are lots of ways to improve public safety even only focusing on technology.

また、字数稼ぎをするためには文と文の接続フレーズを使ったり上記の文のように初めのIntroductionを盛り盛りに書く作戦があります。以下に接続フレーズに関するいい記事を貼ります！
https://www.eliteediting.com.au/50-linking-words-to-use-in-academic-writing/

nagi

ありがとうございます！