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もし、同じ内容で僕が書くなら、こう書きます。
参考程度にしてください
I agree with this opinion.I have two reasons to support my idea.
First,it is important for children to read books.
They can broaden their horizon and see something from new perspectives.
Second,I want them to read interesting books,because I know the fun of reading books.
For these reasons,I’m sure that libraries should offer more opportunities for children to touch with books.
丁寧に添削して頂けてとてもありがたいです。
本番が近いので、きのこ様に教えていただいた箇所を直し、今後に活かしていきます。
がんば！
添削だとこんな感じです。
Yes, I think libraries should have more book events for children.
→Yesは不必要です。
I have two reasons.
First, It is important for them to read books. they can know about all over the world.
→「,」の後のit は小文字から始めよう。
they は文の初めだから、大文字で書こう。
Second, I like to read books so can they read interesting books.
→can they read interesting booksは構造的におかしいです。like to doだと、少しマイナスなイメージなので、like 〜ingにした方がいいです。
これを形をあまり変えずに直すならこうなります。
①Because I like reading books,I want them to read interesting books.
② I like reading books.That’s why,I want them to read interesting books.
③I like reading books,so I want them to read interesting books.
For these reasons, I'm sure that libraries should have more book events for them.
→最終文は、同じ内容を違う言い回しで書いた方が印象はいいです。でも、減点対象ではないので、間違えた文法を使って、違う文を書いて、減点を食らうよりは、よっぽどいいので、そこまで気にしなくてもいいです。