Question

ねこ

英作文の添削お願いします。
テーマは、「歩きながらスマホを使うのは危険だと思うか」です。100点満点で点数も付けていただきたいです。よろしくお願いします。
I think it is dangerous to use a smartphone or other electronic devices while walking for the following two reasons. Firstly, it is hard to notice other people and cars when we are distracted by smartphone. It means that some accidents may occur due to careless of us, such as traffic accidents and bumping into other people, which makes other people frustrated. Secondly, we can’t enjoy enough chatting with someone and watching some movies. Because we have to pay attention not to make some troubles. For these reasons,I do not believe that we should use a smartphone while walking in order to protect our safety.

Answer 1

✨ ベストアンサー ✨

音華（のどか）

私の添削はあくまで参考くらいでお願いします!!
90／100 点

理由
主張がはっきりしていて、構成（理由①・②・結論）がきれい
文法や語法によくあるミスが少しある

② ミス・改善ポイント
❶ 冠詞・単数複数

❌ distracted by smartphone
⭕ distracted by a smartphone

❷ 不自然な表現

❌ due to careless of us
⭕ due to our carelessness

❸ 文のつながり

❌ Because we have to pay attention not to make some troubles.
→ 文として不完全

⭕ We have to pay attention so as not to cause trouble.

1回ねこさんの文章を参考にして書いてみました!!表現変えてる箇所がいくつかあります!!間違っていたらすみません💦
I think it is dangerous to use a smartphone while walking for two reasons.
First, when we use a smartphone while walking, it is difficult to notice other people and cars. As a result, accidents may happen, such as traffic accidents or bumping into other people.
Second, we cannot enjoy talking with friends or watching videos very much. This is because we have to be careful not to cause trouble to others.
For these reasons, I think we should not use a smartphone while walking to keep ourselves safe.

ねこ

返信遅くなってしまいすみません！細かく教えていただいて助かりました、本当にありがとうございます！