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こんばんは英作文の添削をお願いします！
たくさんの人の意見が欲しいです！

1、2枚目が下書きでこの文章と点数です
最初で満点をとりたいのでchat GPTを交えて文を書き直しました。不自然な文があったら教えてください！

明日の午後提出です！

I'm going to talk about an experience that changed
my life
Was when I studied
studying abroad in Niseko, Hokkaido.
I stayed for a total of 2 months last summer
I made
a lot of friends.
and this summer.
Speaking in both Japanese and English deepened
our bond. Even after studying abroad we
l
are still in touch. We are going to have a reunion
in Tokyo on Christmas
Actually, I hadn't been good at English
before I studied abroad. A friend of mine said
"Don't be afraid ". Then
to me
•get rid of my weakness in English.
I had a conversation with
my
I was able to
native teacher in
English through the activitities. In these activities,
had a
We did BBQ, cooked, and went sightseeing. It was
d
again, I would like to go skiing.
lot of fun.
If I could study abroad in Niseko
to Niseko. You can enjoy
Niseko's lifestyle
Please
yo
m

Essay Rubric
CONTENT
Excellent! Essay is very interesting to read with many original ideas and examples
related to personal feelings and experience. Writing flow is smooth and ideas are
well connected, showing a lot of thought and extra effort.
Good! Essay includes interesting ideas with some personal feelings and
experience but could use a little more thought, detail, and/or organization.
Okay. Essay includes personal content but more thought, detail, and/or
organization is needed. Sometimes ideas are unclear or don't connect well.
Needs improvement. Content isn't very personal. Writing is random or unclear.
STRUCTURE
Essay includes a clear introduction (opening), body, and conclusion (closing).
Topics are separated into paragraphs and NOT written like a list.
Essay has NO clear introduction (opening), body, or conclusion (closing).
Sentences are written like a list.
LENGTH
15 sentences or more
Points
9
7
3
Points
2
1
Points
10-14 sentences
Less than 10 sentences
1
0
COMPLEXITY
Points
Many longer sentences with challenging vocabulary and well-connected ideas.
Mostly short, simple sentences with little detail.
4
(35)
2
1
Many incomplete sentences.
ACCURACY
Almost perfect grammar and spelling.
A few grammar or spelling mistakes.
Many grammar or spelling mistakes.
Points
2
1
0
¥15120

17:34
91
くすべてのiCloud
I'm going to talk about an experience that
changed my life: studying abroad in
Niseko, Hokkaido. I spent two months
there, one last summer and one this
summer.
In Niseko, I made many friends. Speaking
both English and Japanese deepened our
bond. Even after returning, we stay in
touch, and we're planning a reunion in
Tokyo this Christmas.
Before studying abroad, I wasn't good at
English. A friend told me, "Don't be
afraid." After that, I improved my English
skills.
I had many conversations with my native
teacher through activities. We had BBQs,
cooked, and went sightseeing. It was a lot
of fun.
If I could study abroad in Niseko again, I'd
love to go skiing. This experience helped
me grow, both in language and as a
person.
Studying abroad in Niseko was
unforgettable. It gave me lifelong
memories and friendships. I'm grateful for
it and will continue to challenge myself.
||
M

英語 英作文