✨ ベストアンサー ✨
作文の流れはこのままでOKです。
ただ、少し修正、あるいは訂正した方が良い表現、あるいは同じ表現を少なくする工夫ができる個所がいくつかあります。
1. I think more young people don't want to start working for large companies in the future.
→ I don't think more young people want to start working for large companies in the future.
※否定はできるだけ前に！
2. 〇 I have two reasons. → ◎ I have two reasons to support my opinion.
3. First, In terms of income, although large companies are larger income than small companies they (=large companies) are difficult to join companies.
→ First, in terms of income, large companies offer larger income than small ones, but they are more difficult to join.
4. So people will join small companies that they can join easy.
→ So more people will start working for small companies because they are easier to get into.
5. Second, because in comparison with large companies, small companies of stresses are small.
→ Second, because in comparison with large companies, small companies have fewer workers and the stress they feel is small.
6. So people don't have to worry about mental health.
→ So people don't have to worry about their mental health.
7. And people can spend time with their family longer.
→ And people can spend more time with their family.
8. Therefore more young people want to join small companies.
→ Therefore, I think more young people want to join small companies in the future.
参考にしてください。
My pleasure!
とても丁寧な添削本当に感謝しかないです。ありがとうございます！！