トピックに対して賛成か反対かの英作文を120〜150語で書けと言う問題です。英語が苦手なので間違いが多々あると思いますが、よろしければ採点をお願いします🙏

Question

Topic
Companies should promote workers on performance rather than seniority

Answer
I agree with this opinion. I have two reasons to support my opinion. The first reason is I do not think that loyalty is important. We can work without loyalty, but person who don't having ability can't work well regardless of age. If there are two person who useless senior and usefull young, we choose latter as companion. The second reason is motivation to work. If we can not promote even though we strive to work everyday, we will loss motivation and be laze. If that happen, the companey's reputation will be fallen. To prevent such a situation, executive should ingenuity to keep employ's motivation to work. According to these reasons stated above, I think that companies should promote workers on performance rather than seniority.

taka · Accepted Answer

1. I agree with this opinion. 〇
2. I have two reasons to support my opinion.
→ I have two reasons to support my case. ※△opinion → case(主張)
3. The first reason is I do not think that ✕ [loyalty] is important.
→ The first reason is I do not think that seniority is important.
※seniority(年功) ＝ loyalty(忠義)ではなく、突然loyaltyが現れる背景がない
4. We can work without loyalty, but [person] who ✕ [don't] ✕ [having](動名詞・現在分詞) ability can't work well regardless of age.
→ What is important is one’s abilities, not seniority, because those(S) <who don’t have enough abilities> can’t work(V) well regardless of their ages.
大切なことは個人の能力であって、年功ではない。なぜなら、十分な能力のない人達は、年齢に関係なく十分な働きができないからである。
5. If there are two [person] <who(関係代名詞：主格？目的格？) [useless] [senior] and ✕ [usefull] young>, we choose [latter] as [companion](仲間).
→ If there are two persons, one incapable middle-aged (person) and the other capable young (person), we should choose the latter as a colleague(同僚).
※useless/useful：通常、物の説明に使い、人に使うことはまれ capable(有能な)/incapable(無能な)　　the former(前者)／the latter(後者)
もし2人の人、1人は能力のない初老の人でもう1人は能力のある若者がいれば、私達は後者を同僚として選ぶはずである。
6. The second reason is motivation to work. 〇
7. If we ✕[can not] [promote] even though we strive to work [everyday], we will ✕ [loss](名詞) motivation and be ✕[laze](動詞).
→ If we <are not promoted>(受動態) even though we strive to work every day, we will lose our motivation and be lazy.
※can not → cannot/can’t everyday：名詞(普段の日)／形容詞(毎日の)　every day：副詞(毎日)　laze(動詞)／lazy(形容詞)　　promote …(他動詞)　…を昇進させる・昇格させる
→ もし毎日一生懸命働いても昇進しないのであれば、働く意欲を失い怠惰になるでしょう。
8. If that [happen], the [companey]'s reputation will be fallen.
→ If that happens, the company’s reputation will be fallen.
9. To prevent such a situation, executive should(助動詞) ✕[ingenuity](名詞) to keep ✕ [employ](動詞)'s motivation to work.
→ To prevent such a situation, the company’s top executives should make the utmost effort to keep up their employees’ motivation to work.
※top executive 最高幹部　　make the utmost effort to ～　～する最善の努力を尽くす
keep up …　…を高く保つ　　employee 従業員、被雇用者／employer 雇用者
そのような状況を防ぐために、会社の上層部の人達は従業員の働く意欲を高く保つ最善の努力を尽くすべきです。
10. ✕ [According to](…によると) these reasons stated above, I think that companies should promote workers on performance rather than seniority.
→ For these two reasons stated above, I think that companies should promote workers on performance rather than seniority.
※for＋reason(s) 理由のために、理由により
上記の2つの理由により、会社は年功序列よりもむしろ実績に基づいて従業員を昇進させるべきであると思います。

採点：55/100＝自分の意見は何とか伝わるが、合格点とは言えない(?!)
賛成の意思表示と２つの理由、及びまとめの構成は良くできています。
ただ、理由を表す英文に単語の選択、綴りや基本的文法の間違いが随所に見られ、正確には伝わらない印象を受けます。
英作文は練習が絶対必要です。
間違いを重ねて、間違いの理由を明確にして、記憶して、また新しい英文を作る。
この積み重ねしか方法はないと思います。
それともう一点。
100%を目指すあまり、自分を追い込み過ぎないように注意してください。
「80%以上できればOK」の気持ちで続けることが大事です。

参考にしてください。