Question

めかぶ

【英検準1級英作文】
英検準1級の英作文を添削して頂きたいです。自分でも見直したのですが、黄色のマーカーを引いた部分が表現として合っているのか分かりません。また、他にも間違えがあれば教えて下さると嬉しいです。よろしくお願いします。

●Write an essay on the given TOPIC.
Structure: introduction, main body, and conclusion
Use TWO of the POINTS below to support your answer.
14)
WO of the POINTS below to support your answer.
Suggested length: 120-150 words
TOPIC
Do you think good sportsmanship is more important than winning?
POINTS
人格
Character
- 功績
Making achievements
Rewards of victory
Attitude
親酬

Ithink good sportsmanship is more important than winning.I
have two reasons that support my idea.
First of all, it is nesesarry for players to make good teamwork.
Therefore, players need good characters to get along with their
teammates. If their characters are not good, team's atomosphire
will be bad, and they can't focus on their practice. This is why I
think all players should have good characters.
Second of all, to behave good attitude is help players when they
ask their coach to improve their play. If they behave not good
attitudes, their coach will be angry and not give them some
advice about their play. To win the game, players should be
given some advice, so they must behave good attitude at fast.
According to the reasons stated above, Ithink it is the most
important thing for players to have good sportsmanship.

Ithink good sportsmanship is more important than winning.I
have two reasons that support my idea.
necessary
First of all, it is neseserry for players to make good teamwork.
Therefore, players need good characters to get along with their
teammates. If their characters are not good, team's atomosphire
will be bad, and they can't focus,on their practice. This is why I
think all players should have góod characters.
atmosphere
Second of all, to behave good attitude is help players when they
ask their coach to improve their play. If they behave not good
attitudes, their coach will be angry and not give them some
advice about their play. To win the game, players should be
given some advice, so they must behave good attitude at fast.
X take
their attention
také
take
According to the reasons stated above, Ithink it is the most
important thing for players to have good sportsmanship.

英検準1級 英作文

Answer 1

✨ คำตอบที่ดีที่สุด ✨

ののののの

先にあきらかな間違いとして、
3段落目先頭To behave good attitude is help players
動詞をなんとかした方が良いと思います。
3段落目最後のat fastも間違いだと思います。

get along withは特に問題ないとおもいます。
this is whyはso, にした方がいいと思います。

this is why I think all players should have good characters
第一段落全体の内容や構成に関わると思うのですが
この文が段落の最後にきているということは、
この段落全体で、
I think all players should have good characters
ということが言いたい、というふうに読み取れます。
thisがこの段落で話してきたこと全てを受けて、まとめに入っているような感じに取れます。
でもそうすると、段落先頭の
it is necessary for players to make good teamworkといまいち噛み合わない感じがします。

this is why をsoにすると、
段落全体ではなく、単純に直前の文を受けて「だから」なので話の流れは作れますね。

内容に関わることとして、
it is necessary for players to make good teamwork
の理由は突き詰めて言うとなぜなんでしょうか。

もし仮に
「勝つためにチームワークが必要だから」ということなら
結局のところ勝つことが1番大事なんじゃん
って思ってしまいました。それだと矛盾してしまいますよね。
win or loseとは全く関係ない理由でsportsmanshipを擁護していることが明確にわかると構成としてはいいかなと思いました。

めかぶ

細かく教えて頂きありがとうございます！this is why の使い方は自分でも気になっていたので、とても参考になりました。

ののののの

すみません今更ながら、soはthereforeの方が良いですね。
だから　の意味で使うsoは文頭には置けないですね。

めかぶ

分かりました。ありがとうございます！