Question

YURI

英作文です

添削してほしいです！

外見を変えることについて意見を述べよという問題で、私は2枚目の写真のように書きました。

模範解答は3枚目です。

お願いします🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

1 テーマ4 様々なもの(社会問題など)を論じる
Changing one's appearance through cosmetic surgery, body piercing, and tattoos\has
become more common for people young and old、 Some people opposè the idea of changing
parts of one's face and body artificially, while others support 'the idea of making one's
appearance better for one's own benefit. What do you think about this?
Write a paragraph (defending ONE of these opinions, giving at least one appropriate
reason to support your answer.
[早稲田大]

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1
People who change parts of their face or body
artificially do not realize that it is a person's internal
qualities that make others like or admire them. /{
Of course appearance plays an important part in
the impression we have on people, but this can be
improved in a natural way. Reducing stress and
eating nutritious food will give us good skin condition
and exercise will improve our shape and the way we
feel, giving us an attractive facial expression. People
who have surgery to change their appearance are
being violent to their own bodies and will never be
satisfied with the way they look.
(104語)

英語 英作文 英作 意見文 大学入試

Answer 1

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Mia

全体的に良くまとまっていると感じました(*´`)
何点か気になったところだけ書き出しますね！

初めに、
First, people have more~の文ですが、peopleが誰なのか指した方がいいと思うので、
First, people who change their appearance have more~.というように人々の説明を足してあげてください！それと、may haveにしてあげるとそのような人もいるかもってなるので良いかもしれません！
その次のifから始まる文では、for exampleから始めてあげると例を挙げてくれてるとすぐに分かるのでいいと思います！また、through tattoosよりもget tattoosの方が良いかと感じます。なので、For example, they cannot go to the public bath if they get tattoos.はどうですか？

個人的な感想ですが、参考になれば幸いです！
入試勉強頑張ってください！！

YURI

なるほど、、たしかにその方がわかりやすいですね！ありがとうございます！！

応援ありがとうございます！がんばります！！