Question

Ｊ

学校で英語のスピーチテストがあり、原稿を書いているのですが、テーマは「睡眠不足」についてで、仮定法を使った文を必ず一つ以上入れて、書かないといけないのですが、この原稿で文法的に間違っているところはあるでしょうか？
字が汚くてごめんなさい🥲

〈下書き用)
Opening
I'm worried about lack of sleep.
Many people, including me, are sleep deprived.
Chronic sleep deprivation is a common problem in morden Society
Body What kind of problem will we
have?
First, we tend to make mistakes if we don't have enough
concentrate because of lack of sleep
sleep. We can't
Second, we get tired easily because we can't get rid of
fatigue from the day before
Therefore we may doze off during the day
Moreover we can get a headache.
In this way sleep deprivation can have serious effects
on our health.
Closing
However we have a lot of things to do
I wish I had enough time to sleep.
I think we have to improve the quality of our sleep
even just a little.