添削お願いします🙇‍♀️

Question

添削お願いします🙇‍♀️

シャー · Accepted Answer

学校といえば やっぱり対面授業ですよね。
さて細かい文法になっちゃいますけど，ザックリと：
・2行目…thanは何らかの比較級と一緒に使うので，more thanやrather than(←オススメ)にしてあげるとよいでしょう。または文の構造を変えて，Face to face classes are better than online lessons in elementary schools.などにするのもアリです。
・4行目…「お友達と話す機会」ってコトでopportunityは単数でいいと思います！ですが複数がよければTheseにして，leadにするといいでしょう。
・↑に続けて…lead toですが，「誰が」make friendsするのかなどがちょっと不足しているので，例えばThis opportunity leads students to make friends and improve their communication abilities.などとすると良いでしょう。コミュ力はlearnよりimproveなどがしっくりくる気がします！
ただ，leadだとじゃっかん堅く聞こえるので，opportunityも外して，This will(can) help students make friends and become better at communicating with others.などの書き換えも紹介しておきます。
・6行目…細かいですが，elementary "school" students。
・7行目…know that there are people who have different ideas from theirs through conversations in classなどにするとスッキリすると思います。have thinking different～だとちょっと文が崩れちゃってるので。
ただここも参考までにってなっちゃいますけど，know that their friends may have different ideas through conversations in classのようにthere areをとってfromもとっちゃうと簡潔になるかもです。←in classはあった方が文脈に沿うと思います。
・9行目…so it is better for と文が続きますが，このitが怪しいです。対面授業はここまでface-to-face classesと複数できているので，they areにするか，構文を変えると花丸です。
so it is better to have face to face classes for their healthなど。
これくらいです！

最後にちょこっと構成のアドバイスを記しておきます。理由を2つ書く場合，Frist, / Second, と文が続くと思いますが，このファースト／セカンドの後ろにはそのパラグラフの【メインポイント】が来なければいけません。一番大事なコトってことです。「”こう”だから対面授業しか勝たん！」の「こう」にあたる部分。
すると，今回の一つ目の理由においては，きっと最後の「異なる意見に触れること」が一番重要なはずです。「異なる意見に触れることができるから，対面授業を支持」してるわけですよね。「他人と話す機会があるから」はあくまで対面授業の具体的な説明にあたります。
【一つ目の理由は異なる意見に触れられること→対面授業は他人と話す機会があるため，授業中に友人と意見を交換することができる→こういった意見交換は～】となると流れがきれいです。この流れでは，「友達づくりやコミュ力」のくだりを入れる場所がなさそうじゃないですか？つまり「友達作り」などの部分は，本筋からちょっとズレていたかもしれない，ってことです。
2つ目の理由についても同じで，「児童の健康にとって良いから」ってのがメインポイントじゃないでしょうか。

大事なことを最初に書いて，その説明をあとから加えていく。まず大きく抽象的なコトをドーンとおいて，そこから具体的にする。こんなことを意識すると，読者をうならせるエッセイになると思います。ちょっと辛口になりましたが，すみません。頑張ってください！

zmic · Answer

✖🟠 I think that elementary schools had better hold face-to-face classes than online lessons.

👉 "had better" is mostly used for urgent reasons, or urgent advice, in real-life situations.
✅ It will rain so you had better take an umbrella.
✅ He is really upset so you had better talk to him.

👉 "had better" contains "better", but it cannot be used as a comparison! It is a fixed construction.
✖ You had better buy oranges than lemons.
✖ You had better buy oranges than buy lemons.
✅ You had better buy oranges, rather than buy lemons.
✅ You had better buy oranges, rather than lemons.
✅ I think that elementary schools had better hold face-to-face classes, rather than online lessons.

👉 In essays it's probably better to use "should"
✅ I think that <X> should <do Y> rather than <do Z>.
✅ I think that elementary schools should hold face-to-face classes, rather than online lessons, for the following reasons.
✅ I think that elementary schools should prefer face-to-face classes over online lessons for...
✅ I think that in elementary school, face-to-face classes are better than online lessons for...

__________________________________

✅ First, face-to-face classes give chances to talk with others.
✅ First, face-to-face classes offer better chances to talk with others.
✅ First, face-to-face classes create/offer/provide more opportunities to talk with others.

__________________________________

✖✖✖ This opportunities leads to make friends and to learns communication ability.
✖✖ These opportunities lead to make friends and to learns communication ability.
👉 lead to <gerund>
🟠 These opportunities lead to making friends and to learning communication ability.
✅ These opportunities lead to making friends and to learning communication skills.
👉 lead <people> to <infinitive>
✅ These opportunities lead students to make friends and to learn communication skills.
👉 not every student makes friends
✅ These opportunities can lead/help students to make friends and to learn communication skills.

__________________________________

✖ It is important for elementary students to know that there are people who have thinking different from me through a conversation.

✖ to know that there are people who have thinking different from me
✅ to know that there are people who have different ideas from their own
✅ to know that there are people who think differently than they do
△ It is important for elementary students to know that there are people who have different ideas from their own through a conversation.
✅ It is important for elementary students to learn, through conversation, that there are people who have different ideas from their own.

__________________________________

✅ Second, students need to go outside to go to face-to-face classes, so it is better for their health than taking online lessons at home.
👉 face-to-face = in-person
✅ Second, students need to go outside to go to in-person classes, so it is better for their health than taking online lessons at home.

✅ Therefore, elementary schools should continue to give face-to-face classes as before.

✅ I hope this is helpful!
✅ If you type your essay, it's less work for me.