Question

svt1122

教科書の文章の要約文を50語くらいで書くのですが、おかしいところと 必要無い情報を教えてください

Jath sa fH55.  On Angust 6, 1945

ped  OVer

At least 130,000 pe。 1
Ble

7 an

中 It began
Hiroshim
9. Th。

atorniC
b destroyed the Gt

bom
the 7e3r

ied by the end of         中wo-year-old Sasaii

Sadako survivedi

BE class. She wanted to b
Si

en she greW DP・  mn the sixth grade sh
Na

ber of the relay team for
e

d as a mern
rvery haPP

yas selecte
ssports day made he

選 About3a month after th
octors thought that he
+

snddenly becarne sick. Thed
“rt wi be fcul

sickness carne from the bomb.

her to jive for more than one yea5 8
六     フ     doctor said

for
to Sadakos parentS.

ア school Sadako could run 令  !
St

e sports da Sadak。 *

 

10

本 。 Jn the hospi
cranes. She r  PaL Sadako recay
き証に    emm              ed s
embered the NN     Some paper
mfyou
make a

中ousand cx
aeS, You w get wall>  S
・ She made
many

for good healtb。

EOID       2                 sh
hospital. Herlife ended when Po NN
as only twelve

cranes. She made a wish 。   1
n them

She didnmt lose her hope, b
but

正 。 After Sadi      5
に Pe ed it was 中fficult for h
1 和 Ni 結  They built a statue
JRfeni 0 Hirosbima Peace Memoral
oh      ny people send paper cranes to
around the world。 The cranes are

for Sadako and for peace

L226 words1

on yurt 6, |45, An Atemrc Bonb oeAs drppz4. OUer

のsb:ro4 .  ZS - Ar - old Sasaki  Sadako  Survive .

She suddzsnly bzcAme scL uhzo sc wAs ip elementary

AnA made

school.  She recenve4 30m6A0APACSECIA022プ

も \

Ad とYAるる . She AO them ん grsh o0 teの

[fe Znde4 she sne WAS

oo4 bcALkh。 Bt hcr

り
ィ ber 4czzth ツ4> [frcut fr

only  Twelve.  AcceP

Answer 1

✨ Jawaban Terbaik ✨

ミント

大まかには分からなくはないです

まず修正点

She made them a wish on them
→she made a wish on them
themが一つ余計です

Accept her death was difficult 〜
→accepting her death was difficult 〜
→it is difficult for her friends to accept her death
あなたの文章をそのまま使うなら1個目の矢印のように
accept→accepting にする必要があります

もっというと2番目の矢印のように形式主語を置くのが英語としても綺麗です

さて、文章のレベルの話に移りますが、要約としてはあまりレベルが高いとは言えません。
事実の羅列が多すぎます。接続詞や副詞を用いて文同士のつながりを意識するともっといい要約文になると思います。

ただし、大事なエッセンスは抽出できてるので自信をもって大丈夫です

ミント

全部の文章添削をするのは骨が折れるので一つだけ書きますね

2文目と3文目

Two-year-old Sasaki Sadako survived.
と
She suddenly became sick when she was in elementary school
は逆接の副詞や接続詞で繋いだ方が良いです

svt1122

丁寧にありがとうございます
アドバイスを参考に書き直してみます